Crossroad of Indifference

I know I love doing certain things

Actually did God plant me here to do those activities

Am I making myself readily available to cover up inadequacies I feel in my nature

Can my loneliness be stirring up a zeal for companionship that is lack luster in the end

Searching for a complete human being to compliment me

Ending up on long, narrow, twisting roads that lead me to dead ends

Then struggling to get involved in random social gatherings

Unable to separate past imperfections to digest new suggestions

Only allowing certain people in on my journey

Forsaking the opportunity to experience rejuvenation in being the newbie

Could I perhaps be drowning in a deluge of activity

Overcompensating the fact that I’m single

Sure I’m available and amenable

Did my Savior die for me to just be a mediocre thespian

Why hide behind masks of deceit

When all you’re in search of is a justifiable receipt of acceptance

Yes I’m bold, peculiar, and I stand out

I was spiritually born this way

What more do I have to say

My loneliness has led to decisions of regret

No longer able to bounce back from unknowingly trips of disgust

Is this what it was truly about to determine my level of trust

Constantly in doubt in reference to my singlehood

Am I really not projecting the confidence that resides inside

It’s time to walk that fine line and create that divide

He thought I walked down that same road worn by others to see him with my head down

No sir I walked that grassy knoll with my head up high, so I could draw nigh

HE called me to deny what had originally caught my eye

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Diamond

Did you ever take the time out to ask me how I felt

Did you ever take the time to reflect on the hand you dealt

Hearts were the suit you used in your pursuit

Left with broken shards of triangle shaped glass

As I see the reflection of the queen I am to be as I walk pass

While you sulk in the misfortunate of not attaining the role of a king

Being taken as a joke in a court of jesters kept you afloat

Till truth rocked the boat no longer allowing you to boast

As you hop from clubs to social hubs

Heart cut up from being accused of being a spade

How did you mind become so jaded

How am I to compete with your fantasy that left you incomplete

I’m supposed to be the only one who makes you feel complete

Instead you were so greedy

Everything was to supply your neediness

My world was to center around you as you showed no interest in me

When I finally opened my eyes to see

You became angry with me

Saying I wasn’t worthy

It’s strange that I saw fit to be your compliment

All you saw was how fast I needed to get over it

Your needs were legitimate in your mind

My heart was being broken into pieces left for the next one to mine 

 

beautifleye

I thought……

You’re beautiful inside and out

You’re going to be a great wife to some guy in the future

You’re real cool just like a dude        

I can hang out with you all the time at your house

I assumed you didn’t care that much

…..I thought I was meant to be with you

Sorry I haven’t returned your email, text, or calls

I’ve been real busy dealing with a family emergency

It’s so hard to deal with I don’t have anyone to talk to

I know it’s late but can I swing through I really need to see you

Oh you wanted to go out we can do that next time

…..I thought I was here for you

I thought I was a pretty good catch

I thought I was very understanding

I thought I did my part

I thought I went above and beyond the call of duty

I thought I was the epitome of what a man needed

……I thought I was woman enough for you

Wow it’s amazing how I get treated like gum on your shoe

I’m flabbergasted by the utter disrespect you show me

Yet you still want me to wait for you to get your life together

My life is together now and I’m no longer walking around with my head bowed

I’m speaking up and I know you heard me because it was very loud

I am no longer floating on that cloud

…..I thought you knew

 

beautifleye

Out

 As a child I felt left out because my father wasn’t around

On father’s day I felt out of the loop because I had no one to honor

As I grew my vision grew dim

If my father didn’t want to stay around for me

Then what man would even take the time to sit around and entertain me

Insecurity began to build rather quickly

My imagination ran wild after that fatal visit

Wow fresh tags on everything but not allowed to touch a thing

Yet it was stated this was my room

Upon further investigation during a tour of my new step mom’s closet

Those tags appeared again on designer clothing once again I couldn’t touch

….cast out

Daddy daughter dances were never attended by me

I had no dad to dance with me

Funny stories told on Monday after father’s day gifts were given

Not a word from me in my life my daddy has been missing

I’m strong enough to maintain

Another generation with a fervent disdain

Why did he leave

Was it because of me

…..no way out

Relationships are like fantasies to me

I’ve never been enough for any of the men I was involved with

I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough or hood enough

Left feeling incomplete no wonder I couldn’t fill the void

Emptiness cloaked me like a winter comforter on a frigid day

My heart could not withstand the pain anymore

Into my vanity I sank and the more insecure I felt

Not able to climb out of the whole of despair

I remembered my grandma praying for me

…..peeking out

My Father was always there, I just didn’t know Him

He’s been dancing with me my entire life; I just didn’t know the song

I’ve always been enough for Him that’s why He died for me

As the interests peak my heart gets weak

Could he be the one or just another lesson to learn

I yearn to be a Mrs. but it seems its destined to turn out different

 

beautifleye